This post requires a brief amount of back story before propelling myself into the ocean that is my distrain for other pedestrians, potentially other people for that matter, and my superiority complex which has self-esteem issues. Confused yet? Me too! Well, let’s drive right in.

6th November 2004 (my Mother’s birthday *gulp*), I’d only had my Red Ford Laser “Sandra Dee” for 2 months when joy riding home from my friend’s house over in Cranebrook I drove carelessly through a give-way sign and end up on the front end of a large flatbed ute with, get this, a bull bar! Now, had the speed of collision been even a few more clicks faster I may not have been here today, entertaining you all with my witty anecdotes, considering that bull bar connected quite significantly with the driver side door. See below image:

Hindsight: Had I not done a few loops around the Cranebrook Village Shopping Centre for shits, or been acting like a reckless galah, maybe this incident could have been avoided. The car was a write-off and I was never again to own a car in the following 11 years.

So now I catch public transport and I walk.

For the most part complex mechanisms need rules and regulations for them to work to avoid the system falling into chaos. If we did not have road rules or traffic laws it would be a Mad Max like fury road where anything goes, or the closest real life example, New Delhi.

http://googlesightseeing.com/2012/05/top-5-worst-traffic-cities-in-the-world/

If every cell in the human body did not have its purpose or work by its genetic design, if you don’t sleep or eat, then we would surely become seriously ill and death may also occur. Honestly, I am not making this shit up people! (Please see any scroll or book about the human body or medicine ever written http://www.wrf.org/ancient-medicine/oldest-medical-books.php)

The act of walking along the footpath on a street, whether it’s busy or not, isn’t a complex system that requires rules and regulations; statistic show, or the absence of those stats, that not many fatal accidents occur by collisions at 3.1 mph (5.0 km/h for the majority of earthlings). The only real ‘accidents’ that may eventuate is a result of people performing the following pedestrian faux pas in my presence, therefore making me the unwitting victim; one day I might ‘accidentally’ black out in a murderous rage and… The details of this isn’t important, I’m sure these people will get their comeuppance when greeted by the devil  on the shores of hell in the lake of fire, but what is important to know is how to avoid getting prematurely dead.

I believe you can learn a lot about humanity whilst walking and navigating the pedestrian landscape, especially for a brisk walker like myself, so naturally I have a few issues with he behaviours of my fellow footpath cohabitants. I will present this as a list presenting the crime, applicable punishment, and then the rule to avoid further infringement; this is all my own opinion of course so please do not enforce these behaviours unless law is passed through the proper channels in parliament:

Slow Walkers
Crime: Walking too slow on a busy or skinny pathway (elderly or persons with a disability are the exception), also slow walkers who crowd the pathway and become a hindrance to both lanes of foot traffic.
Punishment: Kick up the backside.
Rule: Try to put a bit more stride into your movement. If you are short and don’t have that capability or if you are just on a stroll with no regards for your fellow humans please keep to the side to allow overtaking and keep clear of oncoming foot-traffic.

Group Walkers (2+ persons)
Crime: Walking in a group and crowding the footpath.
Punishment: Others are allowed to run at them, knock them over like a bunch of bowling pins.
Rule: Keep together on the side as close as possible. If you are still in the way of oncoming foot-traffic common courtesy would suggest going single file to other the other humans to pass with ease. If you have 3+ in your group then 2 by 2 is allowed, by just don’t be a douche bag, give as much room as possible, the sidewalk if for everybody!

Stoppers (Groups Included)
Crime: Stopping dead in the middle of foot-traffic, either because you are looking at your phone, looking a shop, or lost.
Punishment: Kick up the backside or bowling pin knock down apply here too, or knock the phone from their hand (if applicable).
Rule: If you need to stop for ANY reason, pull off to the side to the curb or stand against a wall or shop front, you would stop in the middle of traffic whilst driving?!?! Same rules to avoid collisions, please guys!

Dummy Stoppers
Crime: Stoppers whom have stopped (of course!) but start-up again a fraction of a moment later usually without looking and causing, or almost causing, a collision with fellow pedestrians.
Punishment: Same as above, but stop for a moment to give them false hope before exacting relevant punishment.
Rule: Same as above… please guys!

Cut-Off Walkers
Crime: Entering the lane of foot-traffic without looking or considering the other pedestrians. Example: Leaving a shop without checking left or right for oncoming people and stepping onto the footpath, or entering the footpath at a low-speed cutting off someone walking at a fast more brisk pace.
Punishment: Slap in the face, slow walker punishment applies, or knock the phone from their hand (if applicable).
Rule: Always look both ways before entering a footpath or high traffic area. If you see other pedestrians then give way before proceeding, if you see someone walking faster than you would be walking allow them to go first to avoid a Slow Walkers Infringement.

Zig-Zag Walkers
Crime: Failing to walk in a straight line or keeping to the correct lane, moving side to side that inhibits oncoming foot-traffic or possible overtaking.
Punishment: Football tackle, sweep the legs! Then curb stomp their phone for added effect.
Rule: Stay in a straight line or stay in the lane, do not swerve side to side. If you need to avoid an obstruction then do so but make sure you return to the correct footpath positioning. Otherwise, just don’t do it! What are you? Drunk? Delusional? have a complete disregard for your fellow human being? what?!?!

Tag-Along Walkers
Crime: Walking alongside someone, albeit intentional or not, like you would someone you know. This can happen if a stopper starts whilst being overtaken or entering the lane of foot-traffic without regard. If no one involved attempts to correct this within a few seconds then both parties may be at fault.
Punishment: A slap up the backside, or knock the phone from their hand (if applicable).
Rule: If you are a stopper who is starting or entering the lane of foot-traffic then give way. Try to avoid this one, both parties may be liable depending the circumstances and a 3rd party witness will need to be consulted to determine the guilty party. If it’s too close to call then both parties will receive punishment.

The moral of this blarticle is something, I don’t know! This may not even be a problem for anyone else except for me, this might just be my issue; something about my attitude to walking and other pedestrians is just a metaphor of my own life and how I get frustrated by the blocks and barriers life drops in my path as I try moving forward to reach my intended goal; maybe I am my own pedestrian blockade? Possibly. Or, maybe just be mindful and considerate of the other people you live with on this little blue planet we call Earth, otherwise I’m going to knock the smart-phone from your stupid-fingers and Edward Norton curb stop the crap out of it (if applicable).

Peace on Earth.